Post-Con Blues

In the room where it happens / Introduction

This is my first post on this website but not my first post ever and the reason I’m even opening with this is to set the Vibe right. The reason I’m a five-time blogger failure is because of capitalism, FOMO, and an unhealthy dose of perfectionism. Articles on “how to blog” will show you perfect templates and shit about how to “optimize.” Social media websites will tell you about the same but throw some glitter on it and encourage you that “don’t worry the audience will come” and “consistency is key!” blah blah blah. Everything points to acquiring readers, monetizing, appealing to the mysterious YET IMPORTANT advertisers, and being the most clean and accessible version of yourself.

I no longer give a fuck. It’s completely fine if you do but I’m just explaining the purppose of this website. I might even give a fuck later down the line but not right now. This is a space for ME to ramble like so and I’m not even using a spellchecker even though this clacky keyboard I’m using is notorious for oversensitivity and double clicking keys. I don’t even like this template I’m using because it’s too clean. I like bullshit glitter straight-from-the-2010s-fandom smallweb aesthetic. So just pretend that’s what this is and maybe someday the website will even reflect that.

Why I’m trying this website thing again

I went to an online convention dedicated to people who like and support seeing queer relationships in their media. To be honest it was mostly about gay men, but in queer spaces like that there’s always a ton of crossover. Citrus Con is a place I’ve been every year since its conception because it’s easy to attend. It’s online. It’s free. It’s right in my phone browser if I’m actually that down bad. But one of the consistent things there is a sense of community and support. People of all stripes and interests attend and bond. There are tons of side groups to chat about whatever and I usually hang out in the “Black BL Fans” chat, a couple of fandom chats, and then I’m always inexplicably drawn to the “Small Web Enthusiasts” chat. This year I was also in the “Fandoms Old” chat and…well, yeah of course I was. I’m getting old and there’s crossover with the small web enthusiasts because who else still wants to own their website and chat in forums without the hustle and bustle of the wider web that doesn’t get it? Us! Me!

But it was them. They opened my mind past the FOMO and perfectionism to realize that just browsing random bullshit is enough and I don’t need a beautiful dissertation on things that interest me. I can just do whatever because isn’t that what I would want to read anyway? Yes! I don’t even need a blog I can make a single page shrine to my favorite character, my late dog, or Spider 2099’s pecs. Whatever. The sky is the limit and making the web your own is still alive as long as you’re willing to tear yourself away from doomscrolling a social media algorithm designed to addict you to brainrot.

I am still full of brainrot. But hopefully this is the first step to actually being excited for the internet again. After all, I’m getting too old for this.

Check out my about section here because it’s not even really about me and has links to a bunch of lovely people from the con!

Post-Con Blues

As a kid I had a huge problem with being a pack rat and separation anxiety. My parents never found that out (maybe I should tell them?) and I won’t go into the details why but it followed me unchecked into adulthood. A switch flipped in my life at some point (which I attribute to a Stephen King quote, which I also won’t explain) where I decided to say FUCK IT and just follow my dreams and do things that scare me. It made me a better person. It did eventually lead to my dream job, solo traveling, and gender exploration. It made me seem fearless to other people. Maybe I am a little fearless, but not enough to attach my name to every single thing I do like this blog. And while I’m OK with letting MOST things go some things give me super anxiety still—usually childhood related. Like damn, I don’t even want One Piece to end and I can’t stand what they’re doing with the anime. Can’t stand it. But god will I throw up when it ends.

Recent things though? Nahhh.

So why do I still get post-con blues? Besides the obvious of course—you went to a different world where everything was rosy and perfect and now you’re procrastinating your Monday 9AM job with a shitpost blog post. Yeah yeah I get it. But I think there’s something more to it than that. I don’t know the answer yet, though, so here is the anticlimatic resolution to all of this:

I’m just here to explore and it’s not going to be perfect and tidy like a monetized blog may be. So good luck to future me and other random internet people. Hope you figure it out and if not—that you find you don’t give a fuck.